


Between Hope and Fear

by Nynaeve



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Drama, Endgame Fixer, F/M, Resolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-25
Updated: 2010-07-25
Packaged: 2017-10-14 23:05:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nynaeve/pseuds/Nynaeve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Almost a year after their return, Kathryn and Chakotay see each other again for the first time. Some things are different but it seems some things never change. Endgame fixer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> _A/N: Written for the 100Fanfic challenge on LiveJournal. Prompt: Home (so duh, of course I wrote an Endgame fixer!). A very special thank you to quantumsilver who beta'd this. Any errors that remain are mine and mine alone._

_A storm's coming_ , Kathryn thought to herself as she took another sip of her wine. Leaning against a cylindrical post on the veranda of her childhood home in Indiana, she soaked in the humid air. Lightening in the distance danced across the sky and she idly wondered if she was going to be able to endure living in space again, even if it was for only a month. Her feet always itched to fly, but evenings like this made her feel deeply rooted on the planet she had worked tirelessly to reach. She closed her eyes and listened to the wind whistle as it breezed through the nooks and crannies. The porch, in true traditionalist fashion, had been built with wood and nails, but time and neglect had allowed the paint to peel and the nails to rust. Care and upkeep for such a structure had simply been put off as Gretchen Janeway had aged, and it reminded Kathryn of why she preferred the modern technology that was at her fingertips daily. The door creaked on its hinges and she cocked her head in the noise's general direction.

"Mom's finally asleep," Phoebe said as she stepped out, the slats lightly giving way and vibrating as she moved. She put her hands on the rail and stared out at the same clouds by which her sister was captivated.

"She doesn't have very long," Kathryn whispered, stealing a sideways glance at her sister, whose curly hair was pulled up hastily in a ponytail that was beginning to frizz. Their time apart had neither strengthened nor weakened their bond. They were sisters always, friends only sometimes. At first she had hoped that through the mutual loss of each other they would find a kinship that had been absent even before the Delta Quadrant. Unfortunately, within a month, an acerbic few words from Phoebe had broken Kathryn with the painful discovery that there was an underlying bitterness at having been left alone to tend to a life the elder sister had long eschewed.

"No. But then, with all the advances in modern technology, we still can't live forever." There was a resignation in Phoebe's statement marked by a waver in her voice. "I think it would be harder if you hadn't made it back."

Setting her glass down, Kathryn forced herself to look at her sister. "Now I'm leaving again." She bit her bottom lip. "Do you want me to stay?" It was a concession that both knew she didn't really want to give, but it was an olive branch she felt she had to offer.

Phoebe shook her head in acquiescence. "You need to do this and Mom still loves Starfleet despite everything it's taken from her. She'll be proud to know you're doing Dad's work."

"But what about _you_?" Kathryn pressed.

"Damn Starfleet," the younger sister responded with venom. "Why you joined that godforsaken... well, I know why but I don't have to agree with you." Phoebe took on a familiar defensive stance that never ceased to amaze Kathryn as they had rarely physically fought each other. "If I didn't know Mom like I did I'd tell you to stay."

"I can stay, Phoebe. I don't have to go, this isn't a mandatory mission," Kathryn argued. "I'm doing it as a favor to Admiral Paris as a way to give Starfleet its much needed positive P.R."

Her sister's face fell in dejection with the barest hint of accusation. "You're Dad all over again. That's why I married Ambrose you know. He's a farmer and he's happy at home with me. He sets his own rules. You and I both know that Starfleet officers don't. It may not be a very exciting life but it's stable." Then she pursed her lips and let out a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Phebes. I know it doesn't make everything better but I wanted to be here. I guess I didn't know what I'd lost until it was gone," Kathryn confessed and they stood in silence, watching the sky turn colors; the black had given way to an eerie yellow-green. Clearing her voice she tried a change of topic; the atmosphere had become too weighty for her to bear. "I wish I'd seen the wedding. The holo-vid was beautiful but not the same."

"Yeah, well, it also doesn't help that Brother Yen has a nasal tone to his voice. I wanted to punch him halfway through our ceremony."

Kathryn chuckled and picked up her drink again. "Definitely would have livened it up. I still can't believe you managed to build an entire family while I was gone. I was only in the Delta Quadrant for seven years!" As huge drops slowly dripped from the sky, she was taken back to a rare memory of when she was eighteen and her fourteen year old sister with a mass of untamed ringlets had sneaked into her room and taken refuge under her covers. There had been a boy and Phoebe had wanted to know about kissing... among other things.

"I told you!" Phoebe flushed. "Ambrose is...he's good and...y'know."

"So you tell me." Kathryn gave a mischievous grin directed pointedly at her sister. The rain had a steady beat; she could almost feel the quilted coverlet under her bare legs as she explained how to french kiss without drooling. She'd felt so sophisticated and worldly then.

"I shouldn't have had all that wine, you're never going to let me live down any of that are you?" the younger woman groaned, her face flushed. "Besides, you're just jealous. I know you were practically celibate the entire time." The jab cut through whatever pleasant recollections she had and brought her squarely to the present moment.

It was Kathryn's turn to appear flustered. "It's different. I'm a Starfleet officer and I was their captain."

"I know about Justin and the warp core. You can't fool me."

"How... what?" Kathryn practically choked on her wine. "How the _hell_ did you find out about that?"

Her sister sniffed in a bit of irritation. "Don't get all pissed off with me. You're the one who decided to tell Jeannie and you know how well she keeps a secret."

"Still, that's _different_. I was an Ensign then. Who isn't a bit adventurous when they've only got one pip?" Kathryn dismissed, trying to act calm about the fact that one of her childhood friends was talking about her sex life after she was supposed to be _dead_.

"Of course." There was an underlying tone of sarcastic disbelief in Phoebe's voice.

Trying to stave off any further discussion about her sexuality, Kathryn gave her sister a patented lopsided grin. "I'm okay you know. I've loved two great men in my life. I ought to leave the rest out there for the real lonely hearts."

Giving her a hard, but pained expression, Phoebe threw up her arms in chastisement. "It's not your love life I worry about. It's you. I don't care if you ever have another man in your life, I care if you're going to keep pretending that you're okay keeping everyone at arms length. I still don't know even a fraction of what you went through out there. You allude to it, you hint at it, but you don't ever _talk_ to me!" The floodgates opened from the heavens and thunder clapped to punctuate Phoebe's words. "You accepted the promotion and you sit in your office at headquarters and send me perfunctory 'hellos' periodically. Mom may understand but I don't. You were... _are_ my sister and all I have left. I looked up to you when we were kids, I thought you were the most brilliant person in the universe. I needed you then, but at least I had Mom. I fucking need you now and I've got no one."

Kathryn just stared at her sister slack-jawed.. "I've been home for a _ten months_. Why didn't you say something? I would have come home more. I would have called more."

Her sister wiped a bit of moisture off of her arm where rain droplets had been blown in by the wind. Her body went limp as the blaze in her bones began to burn out. "It wouldn't matter Kathryn. It never did. Not to Dad. Not to you." Spinning on her heels she marched back into the house as the storm continued to rage.


	2. Prologue

"The seat doesn't feel the same," Kathryn remarked after _Voyager_ was well underway. Chakotay just glanced at her with a raised eyebrow and Tom coughed back a laugh.

"What? It doesn't. I think the inspection team did something."

"Somehow I don't think your seat was an issue," her ambassadorial first officer retorted. There was a gleam in his brown eyes that she'd forgotten and the hint of a smile at his lips.

"Are you calling me fat, Captain?" she asked leveling her gaze in his direction, her own eyes flickering with humor. Another snicker came from the pilot's chair and she turned her infamous glare onto the sandy-haired pilot. "I don't recall asking your opinion Mr. Paris."

"Nothing from the peanut gallery, Admiral. Got it."

An unfamiliar voice cut into the banter. "Admiral, ma'am, we have received the agenda and I am transferring it to Captain Chakotay's terminal now." An awkward silence descended on the bridge and Kathryn's shoulders visibly tensed at the word "ma'am". With Harry, she'd given a quick lesson on her preferences when it came to that particular protocol, but she had been different then. She'd been more idealistic then. Despite the uniform and the pips and even the starship she temporarily commanded, she felt more like a _Voyager_ than an officer. _Voyagers_ wore the uniform but saw Starfleet principles as guidelines, not rules, and for all the propaganda they'd been given in the beginning, Kathryn considered that if the war had still been continuing, many might have followed the Maquis right back into the Badlands to assist.

Chakotay surreptitiously stole a glance at her and if she noticed, there was no indication of it. The PADD in her hand was tilted at an angle that would have made it difficult to read and her mouth was down turned in thought. His own console beeped to let him know the information had been transferred, and he'd thanked Ensign Andersen with a nod. Still, like the woman next to him, he found his attentions elsewhere. Her hair was longer, he noted. More like in the third year of their journey, pulled back into a simple clip. Not exactly regulation, but there was really no one who was going to nitpick her hair. Only Tuvok would have been so bold, and he was on Vulcan, healing. Chakotay hoped she intended to grow it longer. On New Earth he'd...shaking his head he forced himself to refocus. Three times he'd tried to contact her before the trip. Three times her assistant had a reason why she couldn't take his call.

"Admiral, may I see you in your ready room?"

She raised an eyebrow but nodded, standing and leading the way. The door hissed shut behind him and she spun on her heels, taking a casual stance. "What is it, Chakotay?"

"I was just wondering if you were okay with the schedule for Anila." He tugged at his ear and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Kathryn pursed her lips and studied him for a moment.

"Really? You pulled me in here to ask me if I was okay with the _schedule_?" Walking over to the replicator she ordered a coffee manually. It shimmered into existence and she grasped the cup firmly before facing the former Maquis commander. "Is this about Seven? I have to admit that I was surprised you were coming along without her."

Her readiness to mention his former lover caught him off guard, but he kept his features schooled. "I think our age difference caught up with us," he explained vaguely, stepping closer to her. Kathryn held her mug in front of her face, almost like a shield, as she took a sip. She let a beat pass then situated herself onto her sofa. Chakotay resisted the urge to sigh, instead remaining where he was, watching her. To his chagrin she kept her eyes fixed in front of her, so he followed suit and took a seat. "She had questions about..." He hesitated. "About our relationship."

Her knuckles went white and she cleared her throat. "You explained that we were friends...close friends, but just friends, right?"

"I tried."

"I'll talk to her when we get back," she interjected, holding up a hand and pushing a smile onto her face. "I'll set her straight."

"Kathryn, that's not what I -"

Andersen's voice chirped through the comm system. "Admiral, we are arriving at our destination."

Tension slipped from her shoulders at the summons. "I'm on my way." Motioning towards the bridge, her grin became more natural. "Shall we Captain?"

Looking somewhat disappointed, he sighed and followed her as he had always done.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Only fifty of them had made it on the trip and Kathryn had to admit to feeling incomplete knowing that many of her crew were elsewhere. Harry had been promoted and had recently shipped out with a new Captain. Tuvok was still on Vulcan and had sent his regrets and well wishes. At least Tom, B'Elanna, and Miral had made it along with the Wildmans. With the lighter crew and with the tour only being a month, Starfleet had allowed families to travel together. The familiar tingle of the transporter faded away, and within seconds she found a glass being shoved into her hand by what was either a server or an adoring fan.

"Synthehol?" she murmured to Chakotay and he gave the drink a sniff.

"Definitely not."

The locals were drinking liberally and she took a hesitant sip before the President of the Confederation of Anila was at her elbow urging her to kick back more of the rather sweet liquid. "Drink admiral! Drink, this is for you - you and your heroic crew. Anila has felt for far too long that the Federation as a whole had become too soft, too liberal when it came to our enemies, but your adventures have become the tales we tell our children of why we sought membership years ago," he waxed poetic, motioning to the stars and neither of the command team were at all surprised to find that his glass was mostly empty.

"Thank you," she replied with a diplomatic graciousness. The Doctor had given the crew an injection designed to keep any fermented beverages from saturating the blood so Kathryn figured she was safe for the most part. She continued to imbibe the rich liquid at the President's insistence ("A rare year," he explained. "Saved for such an occasion as this"). Soon Kathryn lost track of how much she had drank as she was pulled into what felt suspiciously like a drinking challenge ("But Admiral, you've only had two cups! Melina here is a hearty drinker and I think she'd be disappointed to find out you hadn't had your fair share!"). It wasn't long before she was unwittingly hanging onto Chakotay's arm with his hand pressed over hers. They were laughing at a joke, but for the life of her she couldn't remember what the topic was and almost as soon as she was laughing she'd forgotten the punch line.

Chakotay seemed to be enjoying himself as much as she was. An irrational stab of jealousy cut through her as his glass was filled again but she was skipped over. Kathryn was still studying the bottom of her empty cup when her ceremonial first officer pulled her to an enclave that was bathed in evening shadows. Her mind was so fuzzy she didn't even wonder how or why he'd ushered her away from the crowd, although a whisper that it was probably rude to leave the President in the middle of a conversation grazed her consciousness. She gasped suddenly as warm lips moved against her ear and a stupid grin broke out on her face. The tall, dark man next to her, the man that she had instinctively molded her body around, was suggesting something very wrong, but she felt an ache between her legs that she'd been successful in ignoring for years. Tonight she wondered if the enclave would hide them long enough for her to do exactly what he was describing in detail. She would later consider it sheer luck that no one had seen the two slip out through a back door.

Pleasure akin to the first taste of food after a long period of fasting coursed through her body. Strong fingers dug into her hips and pinned her into place but it was okay, she trusted those hands with her life. There was panting, maybe some screaming, but she wasn't sure because everything felt so far away except the fire raging in her veins. Idly she tried to puzzle where she was, there was firelight but there wasn't the din of the party they were attending. Kathryn heard her name and threw her head back, savoring the satisfaction that crept up through her entire body. Then she was sinking into a feather bed and sleep claimed her.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Her mouth was as dry as cotton, and her left hand was numb. With a painful moan, Kathryn forced herself to flex her digits, and she winced as they began to regain sensation. Her eyes focused, and she realized she was in an ornate room; the coverlet she lay on was scarlet with tiny silver embroidered flowers and the walls matched which only served to cause a wave of dizziness. That was when she felt a warm hand on her rear end. Scrambling as close to the edge of the bed as she could she grabbed a silver sheet to cover her nakedness. In a movement that lacked every ounce of grace that she had learned over the years, she tumbled off the bed.

"Kathryn?"

Chakotay's voice was hoarse, and she pushed herself up onto her knees and peered nervously to meet his gaze. "Chakotay?" she whispered as blood drained from her face. "Did we..."

"I think we did."

Slowly she pulled herself onto the bed next to him. The shock had forced her grip tighter on the thin sheet, but she forced herself to relax and it drooped just enough to give Chakotay an eyeful of the cleavage, of which he had a distant recollection of dipping his tongue into. With his similar state of undress and nothing with which to cover himself, his reaction to her was becoming increasingly evident. Her cheeks flushed a little, although she tried her best to remain unperturbed.

"What the hell was in that drink?" she commented trying to lighten the tone as she passed him an edge of the sheer covering, but he remained still, on his side, facing her. "Please," she pleaded, stretching the sheet further towards him. He reluctantly accepted, but even with himself covered, his desire wasn't hidden.

"This is why Seven left me," he confessed, his gaze heated and hard.

Kathryn averted her eyes and shivered involuntarily. Chakotay reached out to touch her pale, bare skin, tracing her freckles. Had he done that last night as well? The pattern felt soothing under his fingertips. "You have fewer than in my fantasies, but you were a thousand times better than I dreamed."

"No. No. No," she murmured, dropping her head into her hand. "Don't you do this to me. Not now, not after everything we've been through." Her panic came through more as chastisement, and not even caring, she dropped the only thing keeping her modesty as she began to hunt for her dress uniform.

"I'm not _blaming_ you. I'm _admitting_ to you. I'm baring my soul here," he explained with exasperation. Kathryn had found her panties and bra and donned them already. "Would you stop?"

She paused long enough to give him a withering death glare. "This is not how the story goes. You're supposed to be with Seven, married or something. Having babies or adopting babies and I'm the cool aunt and they come and visit and play with Phoebe's children. You're not supposed to be confessing your undying whatever this is after a night of impromptu passion." One foot was in her pants leg, and confusion covered his entire face.

"I don't understand what you're talking about. It's a wonder we didn't end up like this within the first year of our journey. If I'd known how good you were I would have taken you on New Earth the second I saw you in that damn towel," he growled, his brown eyes flashing. "I have a journal filled with..." he clamped his mouth shut and her eyes went wide.

"About _me_?" she gasped. "You kept private journals about... And you didn't get rid of them?"

"What do you think Seven found when we were unpacking? I'd almost forgotten that I'd had them," he replied with embarrassment. "I was trying to respect you by keeping them out of my head where I probably would have acted on them."

"This isn't what I want," she told him, her voice hoarse. Kathryn had found her shirt and jacket behind an ornately carved wooden chair. A brief image of his dark fingers working the clasps crossed her mind. "It'd be best if we forgot this happened. I have to go. I need to get cleaned up before my photo op with the President and his family." Her fingers worked clumsily to pull back her shoulder length hair into a clip.

"You certainly weren't complaining last night," he shot at her, his internal censor on mute from the headache that screamed in his brain.

"That's uncalled for."

Chakotay just glowered. "I'm not going to forget this." He exhaled through his nose in irritation. "You always had a problem loving me, Kathryn." He held up a hand to stop her from protesting. "Candlelight dinners, late night talks, and more than one touch that pushed the boundaries of friendship."

Fully clothed she regarded him with sorrow and her blue eyes reflected the sunlight in the window across from where she stood. There was nothing she could say to defend her position, so she walked towards the the door. It slid open when she tripped the sensor and she paused. "For the record, loving you was the never the issue." Her chin up, she left, holding the tears at bay until she could escape to her quarters and let the torrent flow.

o-o-o-o-o

She declined all his invitations after that, and he didn't press the issue until the last week of their journey.

"We're going to be back on Earth soon, and I don't want to have to hunt you down at headquarters to get you to eat a meal with me," he practically hissed in frustration after she told him 'no' yet again.

Kathryn sat back in her chair, her mouth turned downward in a frown. "Considering the circumstances, I don't think it would be appropriate."

"Really? Protocol? There _is_ no protocol regarding _this_ ," he argued waving his hand back and forth between them. He began to pace and she watched him rove her ready room like a dog itching for a fight. "Stop shutting down on me. I watched your back for seven years, and I was your closest confidante."

She pursed her lips and sighed. "You were."

"Have some respect for that then. Let's have dinner and talk about this." His broad shoulders were tense as he paused, waiting for an answer and yet remaining poised to pounce if she turned him away.

Placing her palms flat on her desk she stood. "All right. Tonight. Then can we put this behind us?"

"You know that's impossible," he replied softly, not even waiting for the dismissal, not that Kathryn would have required it anyway. The topic was personal and she had never felt it right to demand such rigidity when that was the case. It wass the only way they had stayed sane thousands of light-years from home.

She did the best she could to focus her attentions elsewhere, but her stomach was in knots still by the time she arrived at Chakotay's door. Her inner fears loudly dressed her down for not having laid down ground rules for the evening but Kathryn wanted Chakotay to feel satisfied with their conversation, so she went against her better judgment. It was to her dismay when he invited her in that there were candles, and that while she was in uniform he had worn casual linens. His intentions were clear.

The banter was light through the meal and she was careful to take just two sips of her wine before setting it aside. Her head needed to be clear for this conversation. They had settled onto his sofa and he had taken the liberty of sitting close enough that she could smell his aftershave. Unbidden memories of their amorous encounter wheedled their way to the forefront of her mind.

"Let's figure this out," she said, her voice raspy as he inched closer. When he didn't respond she opened her mouth to speak again but instead found lips delicately touching hers. Kathryn tried to diplomatically pull back, but his strong hands gripped her upper arms and held her in place as he added passion to the embrace. She tried to talk, and he bit down on her bottom lip, causing her to suck in deeply. Caught off guard, Kathryn found her shirt pushed up and his hand groping her fervently. Groaning she curled her fingers into his shirt and the light bites on her neck broke her will enough that she let herself follow him to the bedroom. There, on her back, as he played with the fastenings, reality slammed into her like a wall. Grabbing his hand, she stilled his movements.

"I can't do this, Chakotay."

She could see the smile on his face even though she wasn't looking at him. "We already did once, Kathryn. I hear the second time is easier."

Irritation flooded her. "You know what I mean." He lifted his head and stared at her with fiery brown eyes. She kept her eyes focused upwards. "I was engaged before."

"To Mark."

"To a man named Justin," she clarified in a whisper that was barely audible. "He died in the same shuttle accident as my father."

The blaze dissipated and was replaced with embers of compassion. "You never said anything." The hand on her abdomen dug its fingers into her.

"My father. Justin. Mark," she listed. "I can't go through that again."

"So you keep me out." She nodded mutely before sitting up and drawing her legs to her chest. Resting her chin on her knees she inhaled deeply. Chakotay's fingertips danced on her lower back. "You don't have to. We're home."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I made my decision and I accepted the consequences a very long time ago. I don't want to have to put myself back together again like I did before. I've taken enough risks with my heart for one lifetime." She started to scoot towards the edge of the bed, but he sat up and drew her close to him.

"Then at least stay with me tonight. Just stay," he pleaded. Unable to reject him as he so blatantly loved her, she acceded by lying next to him, but once his breathing turned even she slipped out, leaving him to wake to an empty bed.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

B'Elanna's communication camera was on wide view so that she could continue to work on the replicator that had been acting up. Her head was buried in an open panel, and Chakotay was sitting in a chair with a cup of tea watching her. Why she hadn't just refused the call, he had no idea, but their conversations were rarely uninterrupted anyway. Such was the way things were with a toddler. A string of curse words came through the audio and he raised an eyebrow at a couple of them.

"That sounded suspiciously Vulcan," he commented, and her face reappeared on the screen.

"It was. I learned them from Vorik," she answered, her eyes downcast as she searched for the right tool. Picking up a tiny laser she moved back to her project. "He had quite a mouth on him."

Chakotay's eyebrows furrowed. "Are we talking about _Vorik_?"

Another muffled curse. "Yes, we're talking about Vorik. To be entirely accurate he always stated them rather dispassionately and when I questioned him about it, he told me that logically there had to be words for items that didn't work properly." The sound of a laser kept him from responding. After a couple of minutes she pulled back and collapsed on a chair. "Now, what were you calling about?"

"Did you know that Seven is insisting everyone call her Annika?"

"Of course. She sent out a letter," the half-Klingon answered. "You didn't get it?"

He rubbed his forehead. "No. When I called to ask her to lunch, which she turned down again by the way, she decided to let me know at that point. How long have you known?"

"I don't know. Maybe a month after we got back from the trip? I didn't think much about it." She looked like she was going to comment further, but then a scream pierced the air. "Hold on." As she disappeared again, Chakotay sipped his tea and waited patiently for B'Elanna to come back. She did soon enough, with a rather pudgy looking toddler girl in her arms. The ridges weren't as prominent as her mother's, but Miral still had a very distinct Klingon attitude about her.

"To-Tay!" she drooled, and B'Elanna wiped her daughter's mouth with her sleeve. They made the customary hellos, and he cooed a little at her before Miral's attention was dragged off by something that made noise in the background.

"You have to come see her soon. She heard me say 'chocolate' the other day and thought I was talking about you," she told him with an air of remembered frustration. "She cried for an hour!"

"At least there's one woman in the galaxy that's not trying to avoid me," he muttered behind his mug.

"What?"

"Nothing," he waved off. "I just wanted to find out if you knew what was going on with Seven...excuse me, Annika..."

B'Elanna regarded him for a moment. "I think she's seeing someone, but you know how she is. Trying to get information out of her is like trying to get a Bolian to use cologne. Oh, that reminds me, we did see Janeway the other day." Her gaze moved off-screen. "Miral, no... no!" She glanced apologetically at Chakotay. "Sorry, Tom's daughter is trying to - Miral!" Then the communications went silent. He sighed as the Federation logo began to rotate and sat there for a while longer contemplating their conversation.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Her book had fallen to the floor while she'd slept in the chair next to her mother's biobed. Kathryn woke with a start at murmuring coming from Gretchen, and she barely even noticed as she kicked the book halfway across the floor. The sleek medical bed looked like an anachronism in the traditionalist bedroom, and she knew her mother would have hated it, but her daughters knew it was necessary.

"Mama?"

The older woman looked frail and her skin was paper-thin. Reaching out she held her mother's bony hand and sat closer. "Mama, it's me, Kathryn. I'm here." It had been a painful choice to end the neurological treatments. In a younger, healthier body, they could have put her through the rigorous trials in an attempt to stop the degeneration of her brain stem, but Gretchen was simply too old. Time had taken its toll on her body. Both Kathryn and Phoebe knew that quality of life had meant as much to her as anything, and they had been denying the inevitable for far too long. The sisters took shifts to watch over Gretchen, wiping her brow and soothing their beloved mother as the tendrils of her life slipped away one by one.

"She's like you, Edward," the old woman rasped. "She's too damn stubborn."

"Yes, yes I am," Kathryn agreed, brushing back a long strand of white hair from Gretchen's cheek. "I drove you crazy when I was little."

"She drives me crazy!" her mother echoed. "I haven't heard from her in weeks. You know where she is don't you?" she murmured at a ghost. "Curse you and that Janeway bull-headed attitude. I don't know which is worse - not knowing where she is or knowing that it's so bad you can't tell me."

Kathryn felt her chest tighten. "I'm okay. I'm okay, please see that I'm okay," she pleaded. Part of her was panicking. It couldn't be time, not yet, not with Phoebe taking Marit to football and picking Kit up from pre-school. Her mother fell silent, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Don't worry, Kathryn." This time her mother's eyes were fixed on her.

"Mama."

"I'm going to see your father. I've missed him for so long, but it's okay because I know he's waiting for me," Gretchen replied with a weak smile. "Whenever it got too hard, I would sit by his grave with a holo-album and remember how he used to make me laugh. How he used to make me cry. How he held my hand when you disappeared with Owen. He couldn't tell me why, and he always looked so guilty."

"I'm so sorry I was gone for so long," Kathryn apologized, her eyes growing wet. Both knew she wasn't talking about the incident with the Cardassians. "I tried to get back as fast as I could."

Gretchen let out a small cough, and her breathing became labored. "Be good, Katie dear. Watch out for Phoebe, she's stronger than she realizes and sometimes she just needs someone to tell her so." Then she sucked in a last bit of air before the monitor flat-lined.

"Mama?" she whispered, tears now trickling down her cheeks. "Mama?"

Doctor Massey materialized in the corner, having been alerted by the neuro-transmitter, and he compassionately put his hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Admiral, do you want us to try to resuscitate?"

She shook her head and numbly walked from the bedroom to the living room. Sinking on the couch she let herself weep and that was how Phoebe found her when she came in. Her sister sat next to her and they embraced, allowing themselves to cry freely in each others' arms.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"He left another message," her sister said as she put a cup of coffee in front of Kathryn, who was seated at the kitchen table. Phoebe sat down with her own mug and took a sip. At least they had one thing in common besides the Janeway eyes. "I thought you two had been best friends or something."

"We were. But you know, necessity breeds camaraderie," she replied noncommittally.

Phoebe just let out a snort. "If you're going to be hiding out with us for a while, I want better answers. I'm not putting up with any of your Starfleet bullshit especially when it's my comm system he keeps leaving messages on," she retorted and wagged a finger at Kathryn when she started to protest. "Bullshit. Trust me, I know. I work on a farm."

The two women stared each other down for a moment before Kathryn dropped her eyes to the table. Chakotay had been calling repeatedly and Phoebe had been firm, but polite in deflecting him. It was clear that her patience in running interference for Kathryn was growing thin, but Kathryn knew the mother of two had been holding her tongue because she didn't want to run her off. They were both trying, even if they still seemed to walk on eggshells around each other.

Now, for the first time in weeks, Kathryn's eyes watered for a reason other than the mother they had buried together. "I slept with him," she started, inhaling the scent of the coffee, but there wasn't any comfort in it. "Not while we were out in the Delta Quadrant but on this last trip. It was a mistake and...I love him, but God help me I don't want to."

"Oh."

A flare of frustration surged within her and while one tear escaped, the rest were blinked back. "Oh? You want me to tell you what's going on and why he keeps calling and when I tell you, I get 'oh'?" Damn, she really didn't want to have an argument right now, but the words were already spoken.

Surprisingly Phoebe just shrugged and traced the rim of her mug with her index finger. "You're a grown woman who's stared down species that would chill other people to the bone. I think you can make your own decisions about your love life."

Kathryn found herself speechless as she had already started to prepare herself for a fight. Caught off guard, a vulnerability she rarely displayed broke through. Slowly, but without trepidation, she let herself pour out her soul. "The truth is, I don't know what to do. I thought I did until I heard Mom talking about Daddy and now...now I think that it doesn't matter that I'm not with him, I think it'd feel the same if I lost him..." her voice trailed off and she clenched her eyes shut for just a second. "I'm terrified."

A long pause settled between them. "Me too," Phoebe confessed softly, her eyes mirroring the openness in her older sister's. "If I ever lost Ambrose or Marit or Kit...you've weathered more losses than many of us ever will and in my book that makes you the bravest person I've ever met."

The unabashed compliment caused a heat to rise in Kathryn's cheeks. Her blue eyes studied her sister and took in the kitchen in which they sat. She'd thought for years that this was the safer, easier life but now...

"I think we're both pretty damn brave. We're Janeways after all," she stated with a gentle confidence. Reaching across the small table, she laid her hand on her sister's wrist. Their relationship had been tenuous and strained for too many years, but a hope began to unfurl like a flower to sunlight. Maybe they'd never be best friends, but they'd always be sisters.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The doors made a hissing noise as they opened to reveal Kathryn Janeway standing at his threshold. Chakotay stepped back and invited her in without any preamble and she, dressed in simple khaki colored pants with a green top that accentuated her natural curves, entered with an aura of heaviness. The silence was deafening in their first meeting since they had said cursory goodbyes on _Voyager_. Kathryn squared her shoulders, and Chakotay massaged the back of his neck.

"My mother's dead," she stated succinctly without preamble or ado. She seemed postured for a challenge, and Chakotay knew well enough that the enemy came in the form of a dark depression that sat crouching just outside her mind, bidding her to succumb and sink into the black.

"I'm sorry." Tenderness emanated without more needing to be said. His fingers twitched and his arm made a slight jerk as he considered pulling her into his arms. The thought was quickly quelled, however, as neither was sure if that part of their relationship was long over. Clearing his throat Chakotay abruptly started towards the kitchen. "I was just making tea. Would you like some? Or I could replicate coffee."

"Tea's fine," she accepted as she sat on a bar stool. She watched him putter around the kitchen, pulling out mugs and carefully scooping tea leaves into a steeper. The disquiet permeated the air between them and it was difficult for Kathryn not to fidget.

"Are you back at work?" he asked putting the lid on the teapot and setting it aside.

She shook her head. "Not yet. I'll go back next week. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to help Phoebe." Chakotay picked up a rag and started wiping down the counter, and it seemed that neither one had really held the other's gaze that long. "Do you still want me?" she blurted out and he froze. "I have to know before I make a complete fool of myself."

"Of course. I've wanted you for years," he assured her, meeting her eyes solidly. "Kathryn what's all this about?"

"Mama loved my father. The last few days of her life she kept reliving these memories," she pinched the bridge of her nose to try to stem the sting behind her blue eyes. "She held one-sided conversations and with her dying breath she told me about how she was going to see him and I guess I realized, I want that. I want to know if I can still have that."

His mouth had long since gone dry at her beyond belief confession, and he tried to gather his thoughts as he moved to pour the tea.

"Chakotay?"

"I want to be with you," he breathed as he picked up both mugs. Setting one down in front of her, he slid onto the stool next to her. "I'll take what I can get, quite honestly because I'm pretty much ruined for any other woman. We don't have to - "

"Marry me."

He almost knocked over his drink. "What?"

"I don't want an engagement."

"I'm confused."

"Yes or no?"

He stared at her. "Should I call the Doctor for a scan for an alien entity?"

"I'm not going to have a third fiance. I'm close to middle age and I'm not virgin, which I think you know. I may prefer technology, but I'm still a traditionalist in a lot of my thinking, and I'd rather be married if that's all right," she explained, her eyes brighter than when she first came in.

Laughing he reached out for her hand. "Okay. Then yes, although if you're a traditionalist aren't I supposed to present you with a ring? Hell, aren't I supposed to be doing the asking?"

"Not when we're going to elope tonight."

This time he about choked. "Is there a phaser rifle somewhere I should know about?"

"My father's dead, Chakotay. No one's going to shoot you unless it's me and I'd much rather take you to bed," she told him matter-of-factly. Squeezing his hand, she continued, "I know someone who can marry us tonight. We can sort the details out later, I mean, we're already in the same city."

"I know I'm the last person who should be talking about going slow given my track record, but this seems sudden."

Leaning back she let out a deep breath. "If it's any consolation, I had a long chat with my sister before I did this. I've been staying with her family, and watching her with Ambrose, after listening to my mother, it just made me remember who I was before the Delta Quadrant."

"I'll take you the way you are now." And he met her lips, tasting, nipping, while his hand slid under the hem of her shirt to skim her soft skin. "I love you, Kathryn Janeway."


	3. Epilogue

She was studying the PADD intently as she ambled into the living room, coffee in hand, in a fluffy gray robe, and her hair messily pinned up. Taking a sip Kathryn 'hmmed' with a degree of surprise. After their spur of the moment wedding she'd simply moved in with him since half of her things were still packed anyway. Now they both had boxes shoved in the spare room and still had to go digging for things.

"Something interesting?" Chakotay asked, putting his PADD down as she curled up on the sofa next to him. The night lights of the city created a warm ambiance, and she handed him the flat communications device.

"Phoebe's pregnant. So's B'Elanna. Seven's...pardon me, Annika's getting married."

"The nurse...what's his name?"

She playfully swatted at him. "Oten. If I remember correctly, he was half-Vulcan. I have to admit I'm a little surprised at her choice, but then I suppose the heart wants what it wants." The truth was that Kathryn was glad her former protege had found someone to be with and was even more pleased that she had taken to calling her again. During the former drone's relationship with Chakotay, Seven had shut down completely, something that had taken Kathryn a while to admit had wounded her.

"Too cliche?" her husband replied.

Giving him a lopsided grin she leaned her head on his shoulder. "No more cliche than the Starfleet officer falling in love with a rebel, tall, dark handsome Maquis."

"When you put it like that, I definitely sound like something out of a fairy tale. Should I go get my sturdy steed m'lady?" he teased tossing the second PADD onto the table with the first.

"You know, after our experiences, I'll take the storybook ending thank you very much," she declared with a throaty chuckle.

"Oh and how does that ending go?"

Stretching up to peck him on the cheek, Kathryn's eyes glittered as she replied in a low voice. "And they lived happily ever after."

The End


End file.
